drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
