Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
