I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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