My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
