I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
