Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
