i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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