my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
