I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
