i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
