those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
