fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
