Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you will always have a special place in my vag
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
