Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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