I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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