I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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