Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
