if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
