I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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