how can u be prego again
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
