While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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