you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
