i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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