Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
