I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
