his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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