he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
