If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
we're so committed to being not committed
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
