just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
