i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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