how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
