im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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