dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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