I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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