if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
