I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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