i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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