The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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