So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
