I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
