Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
