I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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