The maid of honor just puked.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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