me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
