just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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