If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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