i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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