he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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