Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
