So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
